Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
You Might Also Like
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
no one likes gloating
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
yea so i messed up lol