Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
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I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”