wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
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Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
handsome & gretel
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
*skinny dips into black hole
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.