Webb. James Webb.
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Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.