I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
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Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.