People who complain about parties must not like free food.
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HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us