If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
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Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Has science gone too far?
early stone age tool
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk