Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
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I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.