I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
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Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair