People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
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Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot