The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
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Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.