I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
You Might Also Like
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Aw man, but that’s the best part
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.