Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
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I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Don’t talk down to me
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
#merica
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
parents: you are what you eat
kids: