Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
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I don鈥檛 know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it鈥檚 only allegedly seedless
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I鈥檓 leaving
ME: please don鈥檛, I promise I鈥檒l change
WIFE: ok you鈥檝e got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don鈥檛 care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 馃槓
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”