It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
You Might Also Like
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.