I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
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It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]