It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
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My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
🚲+physics = winner
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes