China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
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People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.