I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
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they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Pretty much. 🤣
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
necessity is the mother of invention
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.