Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
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Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
taking June’s advice to heart
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
podcasts
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Who chose this font
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office