My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
You Might Also Like
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
wtf is a larm clock?
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project