google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
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Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.