Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
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If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Cardio Made Easy
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
The biggest mystery of our time
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.