Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
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Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
me when i see my girls butt
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.