The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
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ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.