The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
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It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion