“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
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Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.