Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
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[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Sometimes? I’m slipping
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
selena gomez
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.