Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
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“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I just tested negative for patience.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.