I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
You Might Also Like
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
just make the entire table out of coaster
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.