If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
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To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
ok this is my dumbest yet
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.