[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
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The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure