“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
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Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Dolls on drugs
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
I don’t think my car can fly
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*