I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
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Smallpox sounds so adorable
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’