I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
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Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Just got to our Airbnb!
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people