Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
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REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.