Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
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“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
thanksgiving should be called feaster
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I missed you with all my darts
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Guilty! 🤪
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.