Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
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Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
My dog ate my work from home.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what