Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
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“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Breaking news:
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Meow
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
😂 amazing answer
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you