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I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Stop sending me this shit.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
it must be school picture day
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.