My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
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Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.