Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
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In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.