If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
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What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.