“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
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the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.