I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
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Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.