You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
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If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
#gardening
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.