[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
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George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
🤣🤣🤣
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Bill is short for Billiam
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.