When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
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THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed