ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
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[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER