Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
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I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.